Just over two weeks ago, the Student Affairs Committee Chair, Andrew Trexler ’14, sent an email to the entire campus detailing various contraband items. In case you have already forgotten, or just didn’t read it (in which case, why are you reading this?), here’s a quick recap: don’t bring candles, don’t bring incense, don’t bring George Foreman grills, don’t bring lethal weapons, don’t bring anything with an exposed heating element that could catch fire and burn down your building and kill some freshmen that can’t figure out how to escape, don’t mess with the smoke detector, don’t set your stuff on fire, don’t set other people’s stuff on fire, and don’t leave forbidden items lying around your room for Fire Safety to find during Room Inspections.
Within minutes of the email being sent out, Trexler, who was already on campus, began to hear a sustained series of loud thuds on the front door of his apartment on Pearl Street. Peering out the window, he observed mass numbers of Wesleyan students bombarding his front door with their varied and multi-colored panties, briefs, bras, boxers, and meerkats. Trexler, though flattered, would like to respectfully decline these ostentatious solicitations, and politely asks the hopefuls to relent as the noise is beginning to disturb the neighbors.
Some students noted being confused at the apparent sense of humor developed by Fire Safety over the summer. Evan Weber ’13 said in an email: “I read [the email] and I was like: ‘Wow, fire safety got a sense of humor.’ Then I got to the bottom of the email where it read ‘Andrew Trexler.’” Trexler said that many people had commented positively to him about the email. “I regret to inform the student body that Fire Safety has not yet become particularly funny, at least to my knowledge. Protecting people from fires is generally a pretty serious business.”
For the full details on the email itself, check your Wesleyan email inbox or send Trexler an email at email@example.com and request that he send it to you again. Do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, attempt to reach him via underwear.